So let me apologize if I ramble but God has really been downloading and I have so much I want to share and will probably be sharing a lot here over the next few weeks. One of my concerns with the church especially when it comes to women we don’t like to tell anyone what we are going thru. So many women feel like they are the only ones or alone when they go thru things because we aren’t willing to share because we don’t want anyone in our business or we are ashamed. But if we have this mindset how are we ever gone to heal. How are we ever going to move forward. I will be honest writing this is a struggle for me because honestly some things I don’t want to share but I know that is a trick of the enemy and if one person can read this and feel some hope and not be discouraged then God’s mission is accomplished. What I am realizing daily is that this journey is not about me but all about Him!
Deuteronomy 2:3 is what has pushed me into purpose. I have been circling the same mountain for quite some time and it is time to move on from here and the only way to do that is to share so here I go.
Over the last year I have struggled with depression. I am crying as I type this because this is the first time that I am sharing this. In the midst of this struggle I have smiled, I have encouraged others, I have ministered but I was still depressed. See I couldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to bother anybody and I am a minister how does that look to be depressed. I could list the things that I have gone thru but as I finally began to deal with it I realize that the stem of it has to do with not really loving me. This is going to sound so crazy to some of you but it is my truth. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see the strong woman everyone else sees. I see a weak, unattractive person who is not worthy.
I am not sharing looking for anyone to tell my how strong I am or how beautiful I am but I am sharing because someone else needs to know you are not alone and most of all you don’t have to stay here. I hit my midnight about 2 weeks ago. I was preparing to go out of town to spend the weekend with friends and I didn’t feel like putting on the mask. See that’s what we do we put on mask to cover up what we are going thru but don’t realize how this hinders our healing. But I put on my mask and made it thru the weekend but then I saw a picture of myself from that weekend and I think I cried for 2 hours because I hated the way I looked and then God took me back to Deuteronomy 2:3 and asked me how long am I going to circle this mountain. How long am I going to allow this spirit to keep me in this same place. Then I had my Midnight Moment and realized that I have to stop allowing the enemy to hinder me. So I am not saying that I miraculously healed. I am saying I am on a journey to be all that God has called me to be. It is time to move north and stop circling this same mountain. So I began to write the vision! I didn’t write the problem I wrote the vision. I have written the plan to began to love the woman I see in the mirror. I thought God was going to wait until I came out (because I AM coming out) to share but He says I am going to share while I am coming out so that other women who are struggling with self-esteem issues can be encouraged and come out with me. NO SOLDIER left behind! We are going to come out on the other side!
Tomorrow I will share more about writing the vision! Be blessed and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!